Get the internet from your toilet

by November 11, 2008 • 2 comments

I couldn’t pass this up.  As you can imagine, I get email forwards from all over, and pretty much 99% of the time, I don’t even look at them.  But, this was just too darn good.


TiSP: Going with the flow

Google TiSP (BETA) is a fully functional, end-to-end system that provides in-home wireless access by connecting your commode-based TiSP wireless router to one of thousands of TiSP Access Nodes via fiber-optic cable strung through your local municipal sewage lines.

Installing TiSP

Installing a typical home TiSP system is a quick, easy and largely sanitary process — provided you follow these step-by-step instructions very, very carefully.

  1. Remove the spindle of fiber-optic cable from your TiSP installation kit.
  2. Attach the sinker to the loose end of the cable, take one safe step backward and drop this weighted end into your toilet.
  3. Grasp both ends of the spindle firmly while a friend or loved one flushes, thus activating the patented GFlush™ system, which sends the weighted cable surfing through the plumbing system to one of the thousands of TiSP Access Nodes.
  4. When the GFlush is complete, the spindle will (or at least should) have largely unraveled, exposing a connector at the remaining end. Detach the cable from the spindle, taking care not to allow the cable to slip into the toilet.
  5. Plug the fiber-optic cable into your TiSP wireless router, which has a specially designed counterweight to withstand the centripetal force of flushing.
  6. Insert the TiSP installation CD and run the setup utility to install the Google Toolbar (required) and the rest of the TiSP software, which will automatically configure your computer’s network settings.
  7. Within sixty minutes — assuming proper data flow — the other end of your fiber-optic cable should have reached the nearest TiSP Access Node, where our Plumbing Hardware Dispatchers (PHDs) will remove the sinker and plug the line into our global data networking system.
  8. Congratulations, you’re online! (Please wash your hands before surfing.)

Note: If you have any difficulty installing, operating or simply living with TiSP, we suggest joining the TiSP Help Group.

Advanced TiSP Options

Professional Installation Service
You can also choose to request our professional installation service, which dispatches an army of factory-trained, sub-contracted nanobots from the TiSP Access Node. The nanobots travel with exhilarating nano-speed through the sewer system and into your home to perform the installation service, which should be complete within 15 minutes. Note: For your own physical safety and emotional well-being and in consideration of the nanobots’ working conditions, please make absolutely certain that your toilet is unoccupied at the scheduled appointment time.

In-Commode Package Delivery
With professional installation service, you can also have your Google Checkout purchases delivered directly through the sewage network into your bathroom. Each package comes pre-sealed in a watertight and nanobot-resistant bag made of biodegradable corn-based plastic. For a limited time, TiSP subscribers who sign up for a Checkout account will receive free bathroom delivery on their first ten Checkout purchases.

TiSP for Enterprise
We’re actively developing a higher-performance version of TiSP specifically tailored to small and medium-sized businesses, including 24-hour, on-site technical support in the event of backup problems, brownouts and data wipes.

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1 Nikki Lindsey November 13, 2008 at 3:39 pm

hmmmm, i’ve often thought that an incredible amount of stuff on the internet is full of poop. apparently, i’ve been vindicated. just remember, all you eager techies needing to be connected any and everywhere, as my high school biology teacher emphasized over and over, human feces is the single most dangerous contaminant known to man.


2 Carl Retta March 18, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Satisfactory blog, some interesting information. I remember 9 of days ago, I have found a similar post. Does anyone know how to track future posts?